I like who I am. I mean I like myself most of the time. I don’t like everything about myself, but I’ve come to terms with my good traits and my not-so-good traits. I have a few gifts that I’m appreciative of, some things I’m working on, and some bad habits that are just here to stay. I am able to live with myself because I blatantly tell myself lies. Yup, flat-out lies. And sometimes I believe them.
What lies? Most are small, white lies – you know. . . . the kind you tell people so you don’t hurt their feelings. Well, I don’t want my feelings hurt either and I’m my biggest critic. So what are these lies?
I still feel like I did when I was 20. I still have some of the same thoughts. After all, I’m still the same person. But 20-year-old me didn’t have knees that creaked or an arthritic ankle reconstructed with titanium. She didn’t know the joys of motherhood or understand how grief can break your heart. She was more trusting and naïve, less traveled and certainly less cynical. She was kind of cute and definitely in better shape. I probably tell myself this lie because I miss her. She was fun. Sometimes I’m sorry my children didn’t get to know her. Other times I’m thankful.
I’m going on a strict diet tomorrow. I’ve always been a little fluffy and am forever trying to lose weight. A large part of this lie includes having a “last meal”. It is usually calorie-laden with favorite foods and is typically “fun” food. (Don’t tell me you don’t know what that is?!?) I can’t tell you how many “last meals” I’ve had. Dozens? Hundreds? It’s almost always a lie to myself to rationalize that fun and fabulous “last” meal. Somewhere in this little lie though, there is the realization that mindful eating is a part of life. Eventually it happens.
I’m getting up early tomorrow morning to walk/exercise. I can count the times on one hand when I have actually done this. Who am I trying to fool? I am not a morning person. Before I retired, this lie meant getting up at least an hour earlier to fit in a walk. The few times I actually did this I enjoyed it. Kind of. Still, it rarely happened two days in a row. Big, fat lie. I might walk in the morning, but I’m not getting up early to do it.
I’ll just have one. One cookie. One spoonful of ice cream. One candy. I love sweets. A lot. I rarely stop at one. Sometimes. Nah, just kidding. Never. That was another lie. And then there’s the just one glass of wine. . . one more chapter in my book before I turn off my light and go to sleep. . . . you get the picture. (If you’re worried about my obsessive behavior, I do have some control. When I choose to have control. If I choose to have control. . . . !)
I don’t look my age. Of course I do. This is exactly what my age looks like. I just need a little time to get used to it. This little lie buys me a little time. No harm done here. I tell certain friends that they don’t look their age. What I really mean is that they look good for their age. Somehow though that doesn’t sound like a compliment.
That’s just highlights, not gray. It’s just hair. I plan to continue getting highlights. It’s camouflaged so I guess I’m fooling myself twice. First of all, it’s been years since I was blond and secondly I have some gray hair. Most days I believe this little fib. Again, it’s just hair.
I’m going to bed early tonight. I can’t seem to do it. I see the value in going to bed before midnight (!) but I like being up late. The sacrifice is losing early morning hours since I need my 8 hours of sleep. Oh well. Remember what I said about not being a morning person? I see a direct link between my lies.
If I lose 10 pounds, I will probably live forever. I am lucky not to have any serious health problems. I am not-so-lucky in that my three brothers all died young in tragic circumstances. Serious reality check. I will not live forever, even if it feels like it. I’ve stopped telling myself this lie. I usually meant it as a joke anyway. Okay, maybe it’s not one of my better jokes. Its purpose was only to remind me to remember to LIVE my life!
I’m trying my best. Sometimes. Sometimes not. I tell myself this lie for two reasons. One is to make an excuse when I’m not giving it my all. It’s usually expressed in exasperation. After all, it’s exhausting. The other reason is more important. It reminds me that I need to try my best. I am better. Do I always have to give everything my best? I guess that’s what each of us has to decide.
I don’t care what people think. Actually, I do. Just not constantly and not obsessively. As I get older, my skin seems to get a little thicker. A lot of things don’t bother me. I tell myself this lie because I don’t want to feel bothered or hurt if you don’t like me, my choices, my blog, Facebook page . . . you get the picture. Nobody likes rejection! The truth is, we all want acceptance. We all want people to like us. We want to be appreciated. I hope you enjoyed reading this. I hope you “like” my Facebook page. I hope you check back often to see what’s going on.
And that’s not a lie.